reminiscing opah

this is my first year celebrating mothers day without my opah. she passed away because of breast cancer. next month will be a year she left us for good due to a failed breast removal op. she survived 2 cancers b4 but 20 years later, they found another lump. apparently, she couldn't handle the complications of a surgery and laid in coma for a week as her organs failed one by one. I was 6 months pregnant at that time. aside of reading Quran beside her, my biggest prayer was for her to hang on, live and see my firstborn, her great grand son. It never became.

this was not a typical year. my opah will receive bouquets of flowers from her four children without fail on mothers day. there will be the weekend gatherings and big events such as these will see pulut kuning and rendang (kalau rajin)/ kari daging(kalau tak larat) on the table. the favourite of everybody which no one can compete till today. of course i wish my mom happy mothers day and we celebrate it this year and i love her to bits but this year, my thots go to my opah. i still can't summon the will to go to her grave cos i still feel she's around. i can't imagine how my mom feels this year. i can never imagine not having mak near me .. motherhood made me more closer to her than ever.

as i watch hazim day by day, i wonder what it wud be like if opah was around. i bet she will pamper him crazy and can't get enuff of ajim but still be strict on the pantang n stuff. i can just wonder ..

i made a big decision today to take a big step, one that gives me shivers when i think about it. even if it is just a backup plan for next year, i'm actually petrified if i eventually hafta execute it. God, give me the strength and wisdom, to choose the right path in life. papa n hazim are always gonna be my first priority. that u must remember mama!